Ok so I havnt blogged in a while and the reasons are..I have started my new job and feel a little time poor, although the hours the great and the job is good and the staff are supportive.
I catch up on everything else on my days off and even thou they are plentiful they are never enough..how does that work?
I have been distracted lately waiting for Gary's scan to happen.The week before its almost impossible to concentrate on anything and we just circle around things. Furniture, the dog who seems to always be close to our feet, each other and big highlighted circles appear around around thoughts and words that seem so clumsy and inadequate.
This time it was harder, as it was the sort of scan that defines what happens next.
In between scans when news is good we live in a bubble. An enclosed space of protection.
This weeks news changed all that.
Gary has metastases throughout both lungs and of the size that they are impacting his functioning and breathing and he is in significant pain. The news from the scan came the same day Gary was experiencing pain. His back and abdomen went into spasm to protect his lungs as his body was reading signals that this needed to happen.
He has been into hospital and the pain is sorting itself with some new drugs. He is currently working at home and we have been cuddling and playing lots of scrabble.
I can write this now as I feel calm. People are praying for us. I know this because you can feel when the prayer kicks in..it is the most amazing feeling. I think it is a bit like Gary's horse tranquilizer he was given when he first went into hospital. Gary and I decided that prayer anesthetizes our heart pain. The whole world needs more of it.
We are both looking forward to chemo which seems a contradiction in terms but it is an extended life life for Gaz. It will shrink the tumours and give him quality of life back. Gary really is an amazing person to be with. He is funny kind supportive, did I say kind. His spirit is such a shiny button.
When I was small, my nana used to give me the button tin to sort through and count I always went for the shiny ones and made treasure piles imagining how I might use them. She taught me to sew and I made soft toys with button eyes.
When Hana left home I was so sad, I went to the salvation Army shop in Mosgiel and sorted buttons on the beds at the back for about an hour..it made me feel alot better.
I feel better when I am near Gaz than away.
xx
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Thanks for your comments Gaz